My thoughts on the first episode of The Tudors. Yes, I am a bit late with this but it has been lurking on my Sky + box for weeks now, waiting for me to pluck up the courage to watch it.
Well, I expected The Tudors to provoke many different responses in me (mostly negative) but the one thing that I did NOT expect was to feel thoroughly BORED. I did, admittedly, fast forward through most of it in order to avoid all the shagging (oh so they had Immac back then did they?) and bad history but what I did see, and I was picking out what I thought would be the really good bits, was really quite unforgiveably DULL.
How the fuck did they make Henry VIII boring?
Thoughts on the first episode as noted by me:
1. Rubbish music.
2. Huh, what the FUCK is with those carriages?!
3. Sean Pertwee just got Drew Barrymore In Scream’ed. (Big Name + Premature Demise)
4. Mmm, Sean Pertwee.
5. But not when he is dead and covered in blood.
6. Was that their ham fisted way of explaining why England got involved in the Italian Wars? Were the facts not enough? Did they expect the target audience to only be able to understand the concept of War As An Act Of Vengeance?
7. Mm, Jeremy Northam.
8. Oh fuck, he is being Thomas More! Inappropriate thought police!
9. BURGER KING CROWN!
10. This is dreadful. I can’t stop looking at his BURGER KING CROWN. Which is lucky because it means I am not paying attention to what he is saying. Oops, concentration lapse! BAD HISTORY! Quick, look at the BURGER KING CROWN again!
11. Uncle? What uncle?
12. Hang on, shouldn’t the actor playing Buckingham be playing Henry instead?
13. Urgh, the costumes are awful.
14. Yay, jousting!
15. Oh christ, even the jousting is boring.
16. Rewind to see if they pronounce ‘Blount’ properly. Yes, they did – the fact that I am impressed by this should say it all about my expectations.
17. Catherine of Aragon wasn’t that much older than Henry! I mean, c’mon, think about it – she was six years older than him and I am EIGHT YEARS older than the atheist and really IT DON’T MATTER THAT MUCH. All this crap about how she was like his mother or something! Fuck’s sake. She was devout, yes, but she wasn’t AN ENTIRE GENERATION AWAY. They really need to get over this idea that just because someone has a Bit Of Religion then they must be really boring as well. So facile.
18. Mm, Jeremy Northam.
19. Really, it has to be said that Jonathon Rhys Meyers is the HOTTEST MAN ON EARTH. I could watch him for hours. With the sound off because he sounds a bit camp in this.
20. The actor playing Sir Thomas Boleyn was in an episode of Midsomer Murders this week.
21. At least I think he was supposed to be Thomas Boleyn.
22. Phwoar, Jonathon Rhys Meyers.
23. What the FUCK is that thing on Catherine of Aragon’s head?!
24. Yet another wrong carriage.
25. Mary Boleyn was in an episode of Midsomer Murders as well.
26. Anne Boleyn was not in an episode of Midsomer Murders.
27. Anne looks kind of old.
28. Why the excitement about meeting the King of England? You ruddy star fuckers. Admit it, you are just looking forward to getting your photo taken with him and then turning it into a hideous icon. I don’t get it. Why are you so excited? So what? Big deal. Yes, he is INCREDIBLY HOT but as we have previously noted with the Duke of Buckingham, fathers in The Tudors aren’t too keen on their daughters getting involved with HOT MEN.
29. I give up.
30. Wait, hang on, was that the end? Did I miss something?
I really wish they hadn’t killed Sean Pertwee off. I could watch that guy eat crisps for hours on end and never get bored.
I wonder if they are planning to change the plot of series two so that Anne Boleyn doesn’t get executed?
Episode Two to follow.